Monday, May 23, 2011

Damn, Rapture was epic

There were trolls and lions, and seas of acidic raccoons.  I saw a golden man on fire and killed a guy with a trident.  Then, a large wave of purple antifreeze swept over the land, turning all the staple guns into real guns.  The carpenters went to war with the miners, and there was a large collapse in the mine tunnel, which left a sinkhole a few hundred miles wide and deep in the middle of Washington D.C.

Then I woke up in heaven, and realized I'd been ascended.  I looked around in wonder.  It looked a lot like my bedroom, except that someone had opened my curtains, blinding me with light which I assumed to be the wonder of God.  But then I blinked and God became a ray of sunlight that started hurting my eyes, so I looked away.  I hadn't been ascended, because the apocalypse is a myth.  Why?  Because "apocalypse" rhymes with "velociraptor" and therefore there won't be an apocalypse until I finish my mad scientific studies to bring velociraptors back to life.  Except it won't be like Jurassic Park.  Instead of having people pay money to look at them, I'll send them out as a team of highly trained ninja assassins.  And life will be good.

I'm waiting for that day.  I promise.  Everyone thinks I'm crazy, but just they wait, I'll show them.

Friend: Why are you so obsessed with velociraptors?  Is this like your ninja obsession from last year?

Me: Of course not.  I wanted to be a ninja.  Now, I want to have pet velociraptors.  There's a big difference.

Friend: But both ways you're a bit obsessed with the idea.

Me: But I'm not as obsessed with ninjas anymore.  I figure once I get my velociraptors, they'll be my trained ninjas too.  Then I'm all set.

Friend: ...

Me: I mean, wouldn't you want a pet velociraptor?  I thought so.

Friend: I prefer triceratops.

Me: What?  They're so...un-vicious.  They sit around and much grass all day.  Lazy bums.  What, they have big horns?  That's special.  Sarcasm hand.

Friend: Wow, you just totally insulted my dinosaur.  Now I won't let you meet him.

Me: Wait, what?  No!  I want to meet him!

Friend: Sorry.  Missed your chance.

Me: Rawr.

Now if only Rapture had some dinosaurs.  Now that would be epic.  My brother got a t-shirt with dinosaurs wielding light sabers. You have no freaking idea how jealous I was.
This is not a velociraptor, because velociraptors are far more epic, and their epicness goes well beyond my drawing ability.  Any drawing I attempted would be a failure to convey the extents of their epicness.  So I just drew a normal dinosaur instead.


  1. This post was freaking amazing!

    Sidenote: I want that shirt!

  2. I think you are better than most mmmm


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