Making my very own hipster photos

I wanted to try it out...here's what I came up with.

1) Start with a crappy picture of a person in a random pose.  (Yes, I took that...a while ago)

2) Now, first I opened it up in the Microsoft equivalent of Photoshop.  Crank up the contrast and down the brightness.

3) Already looking pretty hipster, isn't it?  Next, I blurred the whole thing a bit.

4) Now, I scrolled through the filters until I found one that made it look old and stuff.  Choose your own and apply.

5) Not done yet!  Next, Rotate and crop the image to make it artsy.

6) Note the artsy tilt of the horizon.  Finally, our final step is to add an angsty, nonsensical statement about the meaning of life or lost love in white helvetica text.  I didn't have helvetica (gasp!) so I used the most hipsterish font I could find.

And you're done!  Are you proud?  Now post it on your tumblr and be proud of your obscure photography style.  You are so not mainstream.

The Stray Shopping Carts of Eastern North America: A Guide to Field Identification

Have you ever pulled into the parking spot at Stop&Shop/Price Chopper/Market Basket/Wegman's/Hannaford/Too many to list/Tops/Whole Foods/Many More and found a stray cart occupying your spot?  Or gone for a scenic hike only to notice a shopping cart nesting nearby?  Have you ever wondered how to distinguish between these species to correctly identify each type of cart?

Me neither.

But apparently, someone was so intrigued by shopping carts that they wrote whole book about it.  I'm not kidding.  Check it out.  I read through some reviews and was suitably pleased by the amount of wittiness:

Or, check out the most helpful critical review:

Sometimes I'm glad that the rest of the race is capable of good humor. Check out these other awesome reviews, but this time not found by me and my genius-ness but by some random interweb person.  But since I feel like this whole post is stealing from other people's weird ideas, behold:

Flyergirl13's Field Identification Guide to Stray Shopping Carts

Shoppingcartus caementum-incola

Photo of shoppingcartus caementum-incola in its natural habitat, by a renowned wilderness photographer.

This species of the genus shoppingcartus is most commonly found in parking lots, as it's Latin species name implies.  It's diet consists mostly of old gum, dropped groceries, and the souls of small children whose mothers don't allow them to ride it down the hill in the lot.

This species of cart is very territorial and often will not allow any man-made objects to enter its area, often clearly marked by yellow lines.  They are usually not vicious, but will bite your vehicle if you get too close and provoke it.  Wresting or hand-to-cart combat not recommended.

Shoppingcartus saltus-incola

This species of shopping cart lives in the deciduous forests of Eastern North America.  It's habitat is within the leafy confines of a forest.  There, it scrounges for food, usually berries or nuts.  It will often find another cart nearby and make a nest.  The female is dominant in these relationships, given that she will often know more about wilderness survival.  They are friendly and usually welcome visitors, with no marked territory.

Editor's Note:
At this point in the book, the author took a trip to Ohio to go to an awesome amusement park (Cedar Point.  Been there?  It's fairly amazing.) and will be unable to complete the field guide in its entirety at this time (because I don't feel like spending my time in close proximity to roller coasters by sitting at the hotel computer writing about shopping carts.  Sorry).  The author send her most sincere regards for being unable to complete this book, and promises a follow-up post, so that you will not be left unable to identify certain species of wild shopping cart.  The author wishes you the best from three hundred feet in the air.  We hope you enjoy this first installment of Flyergirl13's Field Identification Guide to Stray Shopping Carts.

Eveyrday Exercises

Here are some day-to-day stretches and conditioning exercises you can work into your daily routine.  You probably do most of them already anyways, so why not count it as exercise? "Don't worry, Mom, I can play video games today, I already exercised!"

The Cell Service Shoulder/Arm Exercise

Difficulty: Easy

Details: Whenever you need that pesky extra bar of service for your text to send, just raise your arm above your head for a stretch and better access to cell towers!  Alternate arms for even exercise.

The Paint-Your-Toenails Back Stretch

Difficulty: Medium

Details: Want an extra challenge while painting your toenails?  Keep your legs straight and stretch your back while at the same time adding some extra color to your feet?  If it hurts, that's good.  Remember, beauty is pain.

The Get-Off-My-Lawn Fist Shake

Difficulty: Easy

Details: You know how old people always get mad at the kids who trespass on their lawn?  Well, get your practice in early by doing this fist-shake exercise.  Vigorously shake your entire arm up and down whilst yelling obscenities and threats.  Switch arms.

The Messy-Room Obstacle Course

Difficulty: Easy to very hard, depending on how messy your room is.

Details: Open your door and get to your bed, without stepping on any of the multitudes of stuff on the floor. Can often be a very difficult feat.  Rearrange the mess to make it easier or more difficult as desired.

The Babysitting Weightlifting Exercise

Difficulty: Depends on how old + fat the kids are

Details: Crying babies?  Just hold 'em in the air above your head until they shut up.  Not just an easy problem-solving method but it strengthens your arms as well.  Just don't drop them.  Though that would make them stop crying too, I suppose.  Duct tape is good too, but it doesn't give you any exercise.

I figured out why relationships have "chemistry" if the people are meant for each other

EVERYTHING in relationships connects to chemistry.  I figured this out the other day when I had an epiphany in chem.  It all makes sense now!

Atoms
Each atom is a person.  Atoms are all different elements, and the element that you are determines your personality type (physical and chemical properties).  Some atoms lose electrons when they bond,  and gain a positive charge.  These are called cations, and they are the girls.  Because girls are often described as "catty".  An guys are the ones that gain electrons, having a negative charge, called anions.  "Anion" reminds me of "onion" and it seems fitting because I hear guys can sometimes make you cry.

Bonding
This is when the atoms form a relationship.  A normal metal-nonmetal bond is when electrons are tranfered and the cation and anion bond.  There are also covalent bonds, when two nonmetals bond, and a metallic bond, when two metals bond.  These would be gay and lesbian couples.  Transgendered atoms are the metalloids, because they have some properties of metals and some of nonmetals.  Polyatomic compounds are polygamists.

Atoms bond together based on several things.  The first thing they notice is physical appearance, that is, how many valence electrons do they have and whether that is compatible with themselves.  If a guy knows he only gets along with girls with green eyes, he's not going to pay much romantic attention to a girl with brown eyes.  If an atom has the wrong number of valence electrons that don't match up with yours, they generally don't bond.  The Noble Gases, who have a full outer shell of valence electrons, almost never bond (except Xenon occasionally).  These atoms are asexual and don't look to form any sort of relationship.

Polarity
This is when bond are polar.
Could you have guess that yourself?  Good job!  I like being the one to point out the obvious.
Polar means that one atom in the compound pulls the electrons closer to it than the other atoms, thus creating an unequal sharing of electrons and giving one part of the compound a slightly negative charge, and the other a slightly positive charge.  This has to do with something called electronegativity, which I won't get into.  But nonmetals (guys) are the most electronegative on the periodic table.

Do you think that's true?  Who is more controlling in a relationship - the girl or guy?  I think it can go either way, so this is one situation in which the periodic table hasn't proved to be totally accurate.  (By the way, in covalent and metallic bonds, they are almost never polar.  Apparently gay couples generally don't have one clearly dominant portion)

Attraction
In atoms, there is something called the "octet rule" that basically says that atoms bond because they are driven by the determination to have 8 valence electrons in their outer shell, to gain full stability.   This is one place where I don't fully trust my chem teacher, because how do we know what atoms want?  On that note, how can atoms "want" anything considering they have no brain and are nothing but a non-sentient pile of subatomic particles?  There is no "want".

But anyway, there is a connection to real relationships in this.  Too often, people are looking for a relationship because they need someone to "complete" them, like the atoms.  I have factual evidence for this statement in a song by the queen of pop culture: Katy Perry

"I finally found you
My missing puzzle piece
I'm complete"

                                 --Teenage Dream

But this is so totally not true.  Relationships are formed by two whole people and you are looking for someone to compliment you, NOT complete you.  This is a connection in which we are similar to chemistry, but we shouldn't be, because when the person "completes" you, that just leads to dominance in the relationship, and polarity (see above).

So basically, the whole point of this is, if you're ever in doubt of what to do in a relationship, turn to the Periodic Table for advice!  It's always there to provide love and support, even if your bond partner was broken apart from you.

Forms of Government Explained Using Cows

You know this blog is technically a place to search for, and gain, awesomeness? Hence the title. Well, this little bugger down below will increase your awesomeness levels by at least 20%. Of course, I didn't write this. That would require me to be smarter and funnier and awesomer than I am. I stole it from this here website, just in case you're a lawyer here to sue me for plagiarism.
Note: The pictures are my own handiwork, however. Kudos to you if you can guess which form of government each picture correlates to. Good luck!
If not, read on! Keep a pillow handy in case you pass out from the awesomeness of it.


FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.


FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

APPLIED COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

MILITARISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate".

BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheeps' brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly-listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the right to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because of bad fung shui.

TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are "associated with" (the concept of 'ownership' is a symbol of the phallocentric, warmongering, intolerant past) two differently aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

Oreo Controversy

I understand this is a controversial topic, and I apologize in advance for any offense I may cause by stating my personal opinion as cold, hard fact. Which it, of course, is.

Oreos are extremely important to the evolution of humankind. Contrary to popular belief, Adam and Eve were kicked out of the Garden of Eden for eating Oreos from the Tree of Knowledge, not apples (who cares about apples?). And if you look closely, you can see the Mona Lisa holding an Oreo while she poses for Leonardo da Vinci. Washington is eating Oreos while he crosses the Delaware in the famous painting. The delicious cookie is scattered across the pages of history, and it is our turn to write its story.

The question of this generation is, how does one eat an Oreo? Do you eat the cookie first, then the cream? Or maybe stuff it in your mouth all at once? Perhaps you eat the cream, then throw the cookie out. Or eat the cookie, then throw the cream out (Oh, please, no!). Well, you do it wrong. There is only one correct way to eat an Oreo.

1. Get Double-Stuf Oreos. The only kind worth eating.

2. Start with two cookies. I don't want to stress you out at first. Remove the top cookie from each.
3. Eat the removed cookies.
4. Take the remaining parts and put the together to form a monster Oreo. Eat it.
5. If you're good, you can do this with even more cookies. My record is 10. Can you beat it?