Sayings That No Longer Work

There are some sayings in our lovely English language that are a bit outdated. You've gotta wonder, what on Earth were the guys who coined these things thinking??

Look, dudes. I know in your time, during the Dark Ages or something, you were pretty cool. I bet you thought you were pretty special, making up these sayings that people can quote to make themselves sound smart. I bet they were supposed to be deep and metaphorical things of beauty.

Hate to break it ya, guys, but it didn't work out.

Power Corrupts, Absolute Power Corrupts Absolutely
It sounds nice, but really? I don't understand how anyone can be religious and still believe in that. Who has absolute power? God. But God is not corrupt. God is nice and forgiving and benevolent. Luckily. As for nonreligious people, it still doesn't work, because, for example, I have absolute power over my pet rock, Westley, and I haven't gone all corrupt and killed him. Yet.

A Watched Pot Never Boils
Um, yes it does. I've tested this one. Completely false. LIES, I tell you!

Rome Wasn't Built In A Day
Yeah? How do you know? Were you there?

Money Doesn't Grow On Trees
What if I'm an Aztec? They used cocoa beans as money. Guess where cocoa beans grow, smart one?

Sticks And Stones Can Break My Bones, But Words Can Never Hurt Me
Yeah? Tell that to a verbal abuse victim.

The Early Bird Catches the Worm
This is irrelevant because people hate getting up early. And why would I want to catch worms, anyway?

An Apple A Day Keeps The Doctor Away
My big problem with this is that I keep thinking it's referring to Doctor Who, and all I can think is, "why would I want to keep Doctor Who away? I love him!"

There's Always More Fish in the Sea
Not if BP killed them all.

The Pen is Mightier Than the Sword
Yeah? Here, I'll attack you with this sword, and you defend yourself with that pen.
(You're cheating if you use Percy Jackson's pen, Riptide)

Forms of Government Explained Using Cows

You know this blog is technically a place to search for, and gain, awesomeness? Hence the title. Well, this little bugger down below will increase your awesomeness levels by at least 20%. Of course, I didn't write this. That would require me to be smarter and funnier and awesomer than I am. I stole it from this here website, just in case you're a lawyer here to sue me for plagiarism.
Note: The pictures are my own handiwork, however. Kudos to you if you can guess which form of government each picture correlates to. Good luck!
If not, read on! Keep a pillow handy in case you pass out from the awesomeness of it.


FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.


FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

APPLIED COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

MILITARISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate".

BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheeps' brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly-listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the right to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because of bad fung shui.

TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are "associated with" (the concept of 'ownership' is a symbol of the phallocentric, warmongering, intolerant past) two differently aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

What is Halloween, really?

Halloween. ah, how we love you so. The only much-anticipated day between Labor Day and Thanksgiving. And who really cares about Labor Day except as a day off of school?

But who here actually knows what Halloween is?
Since I can't actually see you, because this is a computer screen and my spy cameras are temporarily disabled, I will assume that no one is raising their hands, and continue with my definitions of Halloween.

1. All Hallows Eve/All Saint's Eve
The day before All Saint's Day, according to Christians. How boring.
"Come on, let's go pick out our costumes for All Saint's Eve!" Yeah, right.

2. An Excuse To Pig Out On Candy
Don't deny it, we all use this. "But Mom, it's Halloween! I'm supposed to be eating candy!" Personally, I think this is the most important reason to have this holiday.

3. DID Appreciation Day
Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) is a condition in which people display multiple distinct identities. I'm guessing that this is where the whole dressing-up-as-something-else thing came from, and Halloween was started as an appreciation day for this disorder.

4. Anti Stranger Danger
Maybe it was started as a rebellion against Stranger Danger programs. You know its true. What other day of the year can you accept candy from strangers? Just don't go helping them look for lost puppies.


5. Therapy For Serial Killers
This isn't isn't about the holiday as much as the strange practice of carving pumpkins. I'm guessing that this started as a rehabilitation for knife murderers.
"We need to get the negative energy out of them, but we don't want them actually hurting people. I know! Let's let them stab some pumpkins!"

What do you think is the meaning of Halloween?

Oreo Controversy

I understand this is a controversial topic, and I apologize in advance for any offense I may cause by stating my personal opinion as cold, hard fact. Which it, of course, is.

Oreos are extremely important to the evolution of humankind. Contrary to popular belief, Adam and Eve were kicked out of the Garden of Eden for eating Oreos from the Tree of Knowledge, not apples (who cares about apples?). And if you look closely, you can see the Mona Lisa holding an Oreo while she poses for Leonardo da Vinci. Washington is eating Oreos while he crosses the Delaware in the famous painting. The delicious cookie is scattered across the pages of history, and it is our turn to write its story.

The question of this generation is, how does one eat an Oreo? Do you eat the cookie first, then the cream? Or maybe stuff it in your mouth all at once? Perhaps you eat the cream, then throw the cookie out. Or eat the cookie, then throw the cream out (Oh, please, no!). Well, you do it wrong. There is only one correct way to eat an Oreo.

1. Get Double-Stuf Oreos. The only kind worth eating.

2. Start with two cookies. I don't want to stress you out at first. Remove the top cookie from each.
3. Eat the removed cookies.
4. Take the remaining parts and put the together to form a monster Oreo. Eat it.
5. If you're good, you can do this with even more cookies. My record is 10. Can you beat it?