Thursday, December 30, 2010

Sayings That No Longer Work

There are some sayings in our lovely English language that are a bit outdated. You've gotta wonder, what on Earth were the guys who coined these things thinking??

Look, dudes. I know in your time, during the Dark Ages or something, you were pretty cool. I bet you thought you were pretty special, making up these sayings that people can quote to make themselves sound smart. I bet they were supposed to be deep and metaphorical things of beauty.

Hate to break it ya, guys, but it didn't work out.

Power Corrupts, Absolute Power Corrupts Absolutely
It sounds nice, but really? I don't understand how anyone can be religious and still believe in that. Who has absolute power? God. But God is not corrupt. God is nice and forgiving and benevolent. Luckily. As for nonreligious people, it still doesn't work, because, for example, I have absolute power over my pet rock, Westley, and I haven't gone all corrupt and killed him. Yet.

A Watched Pot Never Boils
Um, yes it does. I've tested this one. Completely false. LIES, I tell you!

Rome Wasn't Built In A Day
Yeah? How do you know? Were you there?

Money Doesn't Grow On Trees
What if I'm an Aztec? They used cocoa beans as money. Guess where cocoa beans grow, smart one?

Sticks And Stones Can Break My Bones, But Words Can Never Hurt Me
Yeah? Tell that to a verbal abuse victim.

The Early Bird Catches the Worm
This is irrelevant because people hate getting up early. And why would I want to catch worms, anyway?

An Apple A Day Keeps The Doctor Away
My big problem with this is that I keep thinking it's referring to Doctor Who, and all I can think is, "why would I want to keep Doctor Who away? I love him!"

There's Always More Fish in the Sea
Not if BP killed them all.

The Pen is Mightier Than the Sword
Yeah? Here, I'll attack you with this sword, and you defend yourself with that pen.
(You're cheating if you use Percy Jackson's pen, Riptide)

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Snow: a Blessing or a Menace?

"People were being cruel to me today. They laughed at me and called me names and wouldn't let me join any of their reindeer games....

Oops, wait, wrong person.

Anyway, there was this one guy who was mean to me. He kept saying things to me that seemed really nice, and I thought he was my friend. I tried called him later to thank him, I was so exited, but I couldn't find his number. But then, I found out he had lied to me! I was so angry and upset and sad. I cried that night.

I don't know his name, this guy. But I feel like I know him personally. And he personally betrayed me. My weatherman.

He called for snow. "A blizzard!" he cried, to the cheers of teenagers everywhere. I was among them. We were all taken in by his empty promises, his blatant lies.

"Several feet!" he exclaimed, and we stamped our own feet in joy.
"The roofs will cave in!" he declared, and we raised the roof in response.

We left him feeling fulfilled. Joyful. Anxious for the deliverance of the promised snow.

And then we got nothing. Not a damn snowflake.

And that is why I hate my weatherman this lovely afternoon."

That is what I wrote about a week ago, but forgot to publish it. Now, we're having the "Blizzard of 2010" up here in the northern reaches of the US of A. They'd better hope that it stops before this Friday, or they'll have to call it the "Blizzard of 2010/2011" and that's just not as catchy.

A week ago, I yearned for snow. They said we would have a snow day. I thought that would be pretty great. Why do we always have the giant snowstorms on the days that we already have school off??

A week ago, I wanted snow so badly. Now, I'd rather give it back. It's annoying. It made me slip and fall on my icy driveway. It made me cold and wet. It made my arms ache after I pushed my little cousins on sleds for hours on end.

Yes, snow. My frenemy. I love it sometimes, and sometimes it's nice to me. Then there's the times that we just don't get along at all...

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Ick, I'm Sick

I'm sick. I hate it.
I'm a really weird person. You watch movies like Ferris Bueller and that's the norm, isn't it? Kids hold the thermometer up to light bulbs to raise their temperatures, so they can skip school.

If my mom wasn't watching me the entire time, I would hold my thermometer up to an ice cube.

Mom: "Your temperature is... 85 degrees? Either you have pneumonia or you cheated."

I just can't stand missing school. Yes, I'm such a nerd. But really. I hate doing stuff like make-up work. Having to stay after to take tests that I missed. Yucky stuff.
So, unlike Ferris, I try to convince my parents that I am completely well enough to go to school.

Usually I fail.

I hate being a lazy lump. Yesterday I missed school, circus class, and math team. Instead, I watched Kung Fu Panda. You're all probably jealous. I was miserable.

The only good side to all this is that at least I can sleep in. I only just woke up.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Holiday Cheers

I'll try not to mention the C-word in this post. Being politically correct is important, of course, so it would be very bad to refer to this time of year as anything but "holiday season". I will call the holiday coming up six days before the end of this month as "That-Holiday-Starting-With-A-'C'-That-I-Can't-Say-Because-That-Would-Be-Mixing-Religion-Into-Other-Things-And-I-Don't-Want-To-Offend-Anyone", or just The-Holiday-Which-Must-Not-Be-Named for short.

I celebrate You-Know-What. My mom got into our tree the day after Thanksgiving, for [insert-deity-of-your-choice]'s sake! We went out and hacked the feet off of a large evergreen shrubbery and tied it to the top of a large contraption that moves on it own thanks to multiple small explosions occurring right near you every second.

You know it's this time of year when two days after Thanksgiving there are large ornaments the size of basketballs hanging from the ceiling in the kitchen and any anti-holiday sentiment warrants an accusation of being called a "grinch", "scrooge", "grinch-scrooge", "weirdo", or "platypus".

I need to go shopping to get presents for all my relatives, friends, family, and pets. I only have one pet. My pet rock, Westley.

On a different note, I always find this a funny time of year. Jewish kids get presents on Hanukkah (forgive me if I butchered the spelling there) because their parents don't want them to feel left out because Christian kids get You-Know-What presents. But Christmas is supposed to be Jesus's birthday. Even though Jesus was technically born in March, back in the day they changed it to December, to make it easier to convert people. They already celebrated the winter solstice at that time, so it's easier to change the course of a holiday than make a new one.

Speaking of changing the course of a holiday, it has been. This is no longer about religion, it's about presents and Santa. I read a story about a kid in church who was asked whose birthday was on Dec. 25. The kid replied, "Santa Claus".

What is our world coming to?

Friday, December 3, 2010

How To Get A SparkLife Series

There's a brand-new series on SparkLife - written by...can you guess it? Moi. If You don't take French, that means that this awesome new column is authored by none other than yours truly!

Ok. Sorry. I don't mean to brag. I'm just rather excited. Yell at me in the comments if you think I'm an egotistical jerk for stealing the columnist position that you applied for, having visit SparkLife thanks to the handy link in my Awesome Links section.

Anyway, I have a new series. "Flyergirl13 Tells You How-" as it is aptly named, considering I will explain to you in a comprehensive guide how to do anything and everything that is completely unhelpful. It's pretty awesome, I'm telling you.

Again, apologies for sounding braggy. But hey, I got a series. Can't I have an itsy bit of bragging rights?
YAY! *fist pump*