A bit late but...the election happened

And I am SO not going to talk about it.  I love political arguments, but I have no desire to get in one right now.  So I'm not going to give my opinion.

By the way, in case you're wondering, the best wayto win any political argument is to call your opponent a communist.  Nothing can ever go wrong if you do this.  I swear.

My friend and I do that.  We start debating something, and it desintegrates into calling each other members of various political parties throughout history, which aren't really insults but are fun to say insultingly.
"You're a communist!"
"You're a socialist!"
"Marxist!"
"Federalist!"
"Anti-Federalist!"
"Whig!"
"Know-Nothing partier!"
"Populist!"
"Progressive!"
"Prohibitionist!"
"Secessioner!"
"War Hawk!"
"Hamiltonian!"
"Jeffersonian!"
"Free-Soiler!"

...and so on.  After taking AP US, I know a lot of historical political parties.

Moral of this story?  No matter who you rooted for in this election, be glad that we didn't elect a Know-Nothing partier.  They were basically the "Americans are superior; keeep out the immigrants" party and were anti-[insert any minority race or religion here].  They died out in the late 1850s.

I have a problem

See, I know a lot of facts.  And I like to tell them to people, because having a more informed populace is good, right?

Well, I'm just afraid my friends will hate me.

Consider the following, which was posted on my Facebook wall by a very good friend, whom I'm very close with:

My first reaction was to comment something like this:

"Actually, it wasn't a space jump.  People said that Felix jumped from 'the edge of space,' but actually, the (arbitrarily) politically defined 'edge of space' is 100 km above Earth, and Felix only jumped from 37 km up.   However, if we're talking about the scientific edge of space, you could say that there are still remnants of earth's atmosphere as far as 10000 km away.  However, it is the highest he could have physically gotten in his helium balloon, because helium rises only because it is less dense than air.  The atmosphere gets less dense the higher you go, so above 37 km, helium is no longer less dense than the atmosphere, and the balloon won't rise any higher.  I agree though, it was a pretty cool jump."

However, I read that over, and immediately I became slightly worried that my friend would hate me to the end of time for going all factual on what was clearly meant as a fun post.

So, as of yet, I haven't commented.  I don't know what to say!

This problem isn't new, either.  And the last time, I actually posted the comment.  AND it was on a political post, making it 10 times worse.

One of my friends was talking about the news that Romney was using a KKK slogan in his campaign.  This sounded ridiculous to me, so I googled it.  I found the following sources of information:
a) The campaign video that used the alleged KKK slogan
b) The Washington Post article that accused Romney of the deed
c) The editor's note at the top of the article, which admits that the article "contains multiple serious, factual errors" including that fact that the video that sparked this whole debacle says, at the end, "Mitt Romney does not actually support this ad."

So I commented on my friend's post with this news.  I was pretty polite about it, I think.  I guess my friend was a bit unhappy with how I had ruined her anti-Romney post.  Oops.

I just don't know what to do.  I try to tell my friends interesting things (like, last week I enlightened them about how the Earth is in a stable orbit with the sun, which is what prevents us from spiraling inward into a fiery combustion).  And the other day, when we walked by a creepy winged angel statue, I educated them all about the dangers of blinking.

Seriously though.  I don't know how to reply to the Felix post.  What do I do?

Also, here's my Felix Baumgartner artwork!  The Gallifreyan text says "Sometimes you have to get really high just to see how small you are."  Which is an actual Felix quote before he jumped.

May the odds be ever in your favor (LIES)

The odds are clearly not in your favor if there's a 1 out of 24 chance of survival.  Favorable odds, to me, means that there's a higher probability of winning than there is of losing.  I'm not taking AP Statistics until next year, but I know enough to recognize that 4% is not particularly favorable.

If you don't know what I'm talking about, please go read The Hunger Games.  It's a fantastic book.  I don't feel like blogging about the Hunger Games, though, because of all the movie hype.  EVERYONE is talking about it.

Right now, I'm reading "The Hunger Pains," a hilarious parody starring "Kantkiss Neverclean" from District 12, the undesirable telemarketing district.  This book is the newest parody from the Harvard Lampoon, whom you might know as the author of "Nighlight," the Twilight parody.

It's freaking hilarious, people.  

But besides that.  Hunger Games are way too overdone at the moment (I'm seeing the movie tomorrow!)  Instead, let's talk about more awesome things, like, um...did you know it was 80 degrees yesterday?

This is pitiful.  I'm so pathetic that I'm talking about the weather.

So, do you guys remember about a month ago, when I posted about President's Day and listed all the US presidents in order from memory?  Well, that skill came in handy recently.  Sort of.  Ish.

I had a vocab quiz in American Lit, and my teacher included a random bonus question: "Who is Sylvia Ward?"*  The name sounded familiar, but I wasn't sure who it was.  So, instead, I wrote the following:

"I'm not really sure who Sylvia Ward is.  Sorry.  I instead propose a new bonus question: 'List all the US presidents in order.'" And I then proceeded to list them all on my test.

I didn't expect points or anything, but the next day in class, my teacher says "I was grading the vocab quizzes last night, and there were some...interesting responses to the bonus question.  For example, Anne said..." And she told the class my answer.

It was hilarious and my face turned totally red.  She didn't give me points, but I got a smiley face on my paper.  It was kind of funny.  Well, a lot.

Have you ever put "questionable" answers down on tests?  How did it work out?  All my friends were just like, "you're so nerdy" and I answered "yeah, I know."  One friend, who shares my history-geekiness, agreed that I was a genius, which was quite nice.

*In case you wanted to know, Sylvia Ward Dr. Heidegger's lover in the story "Dr. Heidegger's Experiment" by Nathaniel Hawthorne.  Kudos to you if you knew that!

HAPPY Washington, Adams (Sr), Jefferson, Madison, Monroe, Adams (Jr), Jackson, Van Buren, Harrison, Tyler, Polk, Taylor, Fillmore, Pierce, Buchanan, Lincoln, Johnson (Andy), Grant, Hayes, Garfield, Arthur, Cleveland, Harrison, Cleveland (again), McKinley, Roosevelt (Teddy), Taft, Wilson, Harding, Coolidge, Hoover, Roosevelt (Frank), Truman, Eisenhower, Kennedy, Johnson (Lyndon), Nixon, Ford, Carter, Reagan, Bush (Sr), Clinton, Bush (Jr), Obama DAY!

Yes, that was from memory.

No, I am not sorry for having such a long title.  Blame our abundance of presidents.  Now, for some...drumroll...PRESIDENTIAL TRIVIA!

I'm sorry, I just really, really love trivia.  Especially about the presidents.  The following are facts I just happen to know:

• John Tyler (president 1841-1845) currently has 2 living grandchildren.
• James Garfield (president 1881) could write in Greek with one hand and in Latin with the other - simultaneously.
• Milliard Fillmore (president 1850-1853) is the only U.S. president whose first language was not English - it was Dutch.
• Milliard Fillmore's last words were "The nourishment is palatable."
• Teddy Roosevelt's last words were "Please put out the light."
• JFK's last words were "That's obvious."
• Both John Adams and Thomas Jefferson died on the same day, July 4, 1826.  Adam's last words were "Thomas Jefferson still survives," which is incorrect because Jefferson had actually died a few hours earlier.  Jefferson's last words were "It is the Fourth?"
• William Henry Harrison died after 31 days in office because he refused to wear a jacket during his inaugural speech and caught pneumonia.  His campaign slogan was "Tippecanoe and Tyler too," which, in my opinion, is far more catchy than "Yes We Can."  On that note, James K. Polk's slogan was "54-40 or Fight," which had to do with claiming Oregon territory.  I vote Romney's slogan to be "Romney or Fight." So much more interesting!
• Grover Cleveland served two non-consecutive terms.
• JFK was not actually the youngest president ever.  He was the youngest elected president.  Teddy Roosevelt was younger when he took office after McKinley was assassinated, and by the time he was re-elected, he was older than JFK.
• Rutherford B. Hayes (whose election ended Reconstruction) was the first president to have a telephone.  His phone number was 1.
• Lincoln ($5 and 1 cent), Jefferson (5 cents and $2), Franklin Roosevelt (10 cents), Kennedy (50 cents), Eisenhower ($1 coin, no longer in circulation), Washington ($1), Jackson ($20), Grant ($50), McKinley ($500, no longer in circulation), Cleveland ($1000, no longer in circulation), Madison ($5000, no longer in circulation), and Wilson ($100000, no longer in circulation) are all portrayed on U.S. currency.
• Speaking of which, the only people on U.S. currency who were never presidents are Susan B. Anthony ($1 coin), Sacagawea ($1 coin), Alexander Hamilton ($10), Benjamin Franklin ($100), and Samuel Chase ($10000, no longer in circulation).

Yeah...so I just realized that was a lot of facts (I never knew that I knew this much! And I know SO MUCH MORE too!), so I won't keep going on, or go look up other facts.  I mean, I just spent half an hour poring over Presidential Fun Facts.  Jeez, I like knowing this stuff.

But, yeah.  All of the above was stuff I already knew, though I Google-checked some of it to make sure I was right.  Happy President's Day!

P.S. If you don't live in the USA, I apologize.  Feel free to leave angry comments, which I will ignore.  Good'ay!

SC: "Summer Camp" or "Supreme Court"?

The camp I work at calls themselves [initials deleted due to stalkers who will try to hunt me down and roast my innards]SC.  Unfortunately, having spent a full year in APUSH, whenever I see the initials "SC" I think "Supreme Court."  It's just the way I'm wired.  Like when people were discussing ceramics and the first thing that came to mind was Henry Clay.  Is this a curse or a blessing?  I have yet to decide.

Anyway, today was the last day of Circus SC.  It was a sad, joyous day.  Sad because of all the campers I'll miss, joyous because, multiple times over the course of the summer, I had urges to hit my head against a wall.  With adequate force.  I can't decide whether I love or can't stand these kids.

"Why are the shirts blue?  I hate blue!"
"I CAN'T [insert circus art here that they refuse to do]"
"I'm not flexible, I shouldn't have to do stretching."
"I don't want to do an act with her!  She's bad at it!"
"When is [lunch, swimming, ect]?"
"Why do I have to listen to you?"

They don't understand what the words "straight legs" or "pointed toes" mean, despite repeated instruction.  They don't get that warm-ups mean actually trying, or you have to run laps.  They just don't get that you can't walk on the rolling globe (large ball to walk on) without a spot the first time.  I don't know why.  Was I this dense in elementary school?

But then again, I can't help but to love them.  Watch them learn to do cool things in just one week and get their full splits.  And connect with them.  Like the 7-year-old identical twins ho we just call Thing 1 and Thing 2, and whichever one is closer at the time is Thing 1.  Or the boy who started the summer with no experience and ended with a full straddle split.  And the girl who at first couldn't do a somersault and then was dive-rolling over other campers.

I wish I got paid more though, ya know?

Not to mention the 40-minute commute everyday.  Summer Camp is crazy stuff.  If you're looking for some peace and orderly quiet, check out the other SC.  I hear that our government is never crazy, and not one person has reported that it makes them want to bash their heads against a wall.
Sarcasm hand.
However, check out Secret Cauliflower and Sticky Cadillacs, because I hear they're quite entertaining.

Kid's Toys That Reflect the World Situation

Just some toys that they might make soon, to teach little kids about the global issues facing us today.

Yes, we are obsessed

So after the AP exams, APUSH has kind of been hell.  Here's the run-down on our final project, which we have spent the past month and a half on:

Basically, we create a fictitious presidential candidate to run in 2012.  There are 5 groups creating candidates.  My group's in Anthony Louis Benson.  We then write position papers outlining their policies for important issues.  We wrote about energy policy, the budget, and foreign policy in Iraq, Iran, and Israel.  Each of these were about 25+ pages, mind you.  And each completed in 10 days.

Now, as I mentioned, my group can be slightly obsessive about this kind of thing.  We also like to take things above and beyond.  Like so.

1. Part of the project is to create Twitter accounts for our candidates so they can tweet and stuff.  I wanted our candidate to stand out, so I went ahead and made a Wikipedia page for him.  It was deleted by an admin within 3 minutes of its creation, because apparently it was a "blatant hoax".  Really now, Wikipedia?  The following is my conversation with an admin, in which I pleaded for him not to delete it.
   Me: Please tell me why you called this page a hoax. It really shouldn't be deleted, since first of all it is true, and second of all I need the page for a project.    
   Admin: Wikipedia is not the place for this kind of page. On this page it says that Benson was governor of California in 2004, which is not true. You also don't provide any sources for the other information in this article.   
   Me: Benson is a candidate who has not yet publicized his campaign for the 2012 presidency. His credentials and biography have been used from his own Facebook page and Twitter account, which he updates regularly. 
   Admin: Once he 'publicizes' this with a reliable source, then the article can be created. You will have to apply to an admin to recreate this article as its been creation protected.     
   Me: What is creation protected? 
   Admin: read WP:SALT   
   Me: This is ridiculous. The page should not have been deleted. You've lost yourself a loyal reader.  
   Admin: If you would have read the article creation policies, and followed those rules with your page it wouldn't have been deleted.(or created in the first place)
2. Another part of the project is to choose a VP running mate (an actual, real person).  We chose Senator Kirsten Gillibrand (D-NY).  But we actually emailed her to ask if she wanted to be our VP (and offered to send her our position papers).  She has yet to respond but I will inform you if she does.
3. Another group insulted us on Twitter.  So we created a fake newspaper clipping in which we accused them of "mismanagement of campaign funds."  Next, we're hoping to do a sex scandal or something.
4. We printed up campaign posters and wallpapered the history hallway.  Tomorrow, we will be giving all the history teachers cookies in thanks for their support (they let us put the fliers on their doors).
5. Then someone took down the aforementioned fliers.  We don't know who, but we'll do some investigations.  THIS MEANS WAR! 

My mind has been taken over by a little parasite called "history"

I keep blogging about APUSH.  You're probably so sick or it by now that you want to reach through the screen and strangle me if I mention that abbreviation once more.  If so, that's awesome!  It means I'm not alone in my misery.  It also means I find joy in your suffering.  So ha.

Anyway, we have a new girl in APUSH today.  From Florida.  A week and a half before the AP exam.  Wow.  I feel kind of bad for her, because our class is so completely unlike any other class ever.  Extremely unstructured, weird, and crazy.

But if you want proof (or "factual evidence" as we say in history) of us being total nerds, we introduced ourselves by going around and saying our names and favorite historical figure.

Mine?  Guess, and I'll tell ya later.

Notable moments:

"So then Ronald Reagan gets elected and he destroys all the evil Commies with his sword.  Write that on the AP exam!  'Ronald Reagan destroyed the Commies with his sword.' "
"So it's like Teddy Roosevelt's Big Stick, except sharper?"

"Fighting in Korea was nothing but America defending its overinflated ego.  The big, bad Soviet bullies were trying to take our toy truck in the sandbox, and man, we were gonna get them back because WE are the sandbox bullies and they had better not challenge us!"

"I think what we've agreed upon here is that the best policy is to always lie to the American people, and you're golden."

"At one point in the arms race, the US and Soviets combined had enough nuclear weaponry to blow up the Earth eleven times."
"What?  That makes no sense...why blow it up eleven times?  That's stupid."
"So you don't care if the world gets blown up, so long as it only happens once?  This is why the future is doomed."

History Can Be Amusing

So we're talking about Cold War and atomic bombs in APUSH.
An interesting point came up - H-Bombs are hydrogen bombs.  Is it possible to make a bomb out of fluorine?
Because then we would be dropping F-bombs.

Hahahaha :)

Driver's Ed - Legal Waterboarding

I don't actually really know what waterboarding is, but I do believe it's illegal.  And a form of torture.  Driver's Ed is similar to waterboarding in that in waterboarding, water gets poured on your face to make you think you're drowning.  In Driver's Ed, you wish there was water being poured on your face because it might help you stay awake.
Okay, I'm sorry.  I've clearly been extremely insensitive by comparing Driver's Ed to torture.  Look at me, the worst part of my life is that I have to spend 30 hours of my school vacation week in a tiny classroom with 40 teens who I don't know and some of them smell like smoke, listening to Mr. Monotone drone on about car insurance.
Okay, it's not fun.  But I'd rather be there than be waterboarded.  Happy?

But it's not so bad, because I'm able to plan other things during class.  Like think up some sort of business plan for a scholarship due in 10 days.  Or catch up on APUSH reading.  Or watch everyone around me texting.

The most fun part, I think, was today, when I was taking notes on what Mr. Monotone was saying about hydroplaning.  The girl next to me was texting, and copying my notes.  She didn't know I knew, until I took some more notes, except these said "I know you're reading my notes." with a sketchy smiley face.  She didn't copy again.  It was highly amusing.

By the way, I'm not calling the teacher Mr. Monotone to be mean.  It's just what I decided to refer to him as, considering he hasn't actually told us his name.  No joke.

A Few Crazy Conversation Snippets

#1

[In the car.  Katy Perry's "Firework" comes on the radio]

Katy Perry: "Do you ever feel like a plastic bag, drifting through the wind, wanting to start again?"

Mom: What a weird analogy.  No, I can't say I've ever felt like a plastic bag.

[An hour later, at Stop&Shop]

Cashier: Would you like paper or plastic bag?

Mom: Plastic please.

Me: You mean, you feel like a plastic bag today?

#2

[At checkout at Target]

Sister: I wish I had a pet polar bear.

Me: That was random.

Sister: But I do, ya know? ...hey! You could get me a pet polar bear when you go to Alaska this summer!

Me: There are no polar bears left in Alaska.  Sarah Palin shot them all.

Cashier: Right you are.

#3

This one is best described in prose.  So I was walking down the hall at school when I go by this couple locking a fierce game of tonsil hockey.  Whatever.  A few seconds later, I hear a voice behind me.  I turn to see this tiny freshman girl ranting at the couple.  I hear a snippets like, "OMG thats so disgusting, why are you doing that in the hall?" and "I mean, seriously, it gross, and no one wants to see it, okay?".  It's all I can do not to burst out laughing right there.  Way to go freshman girl for saying whats on your mind.  It made my day.

What's with all the self esteem songs?

I"m a huge fan of self-esteem.  Don't get me wrong.  I'm not annoyed by aforementioned self-esteem songs.  Just curious.  What started this self-esteem craze in the music industry?

Most of you are probably slamming your heads on the screen in frustration, wondering what the hell I'm talking about.  So, recently I noticed a trend: a ton of songs by popular artists focus on self-esteem and inner beauty.

I think it all started with good ol' Bruno Mars.  Just The Way You Are is a great song about a guy who loves his girlfriend no matter what she looks like.  The kind of thing we all want to hear, right?  It makes you feel nice and warm and fuzzy inside.

"When I see your face

There's not a thing that I would change

Cause you're amazing

Just the way you are"

Next up, comes Katy Perry with Firework, a fabulous song comparing feeling lonely to feeling like a plastic bag.  Yep.  That's Katy Perry for ya.  But it's the thought that counts, right?

"You don't have to feel like a waste of space

You're original, cannot be replaced

If you only knew what the future holds

After a hurricane comes a rainbow"

Right up next is P!nk, or P-exclamation point-nk, as I refer to her, with Perfect (clean version).  It's typical Pink music, but the lyrics are, well, self-esteemy.

"Pretty, pretty please

If you ever, ever feel

Like you’re nothing

You are perfect to me"

And finally, Lady Gaga gets in on the happy-song bandwagon with Born This Way, and I really do love that song.  I'm usually meh about Lady Gaga, her songs are decent and catchy but I don't love them, but I do like Born This Way a lot.  Don't know why.  Just because.
It's not only self-esteemy but also tolerance-promoting.  She sticks in some lines about racial and gay tolerance, which I think is great.  Maybe hearing it from her will help spread tolerance.
Though I do want to point out how much Lady Gaga sounds like Madonna.  When I first heard this song on the radio, I totally thought it was Madonna.  Strange.

"I'm beautiful in my way,

'Cause God makes no mistakes

I'm on the right track, baby

I was born this way

Don't hide yourself in regret,

Just love yourself and you're set

I'm on the right track, baby

I was born this way"

I was debating whether to throw Sara Bareilles' "King of Anything" in, but I;m not sure if it quite fits the pattern.  Maybe...

And that ends all the popular songs I can think of that are following the self-esteem route.  Let me know if I missed any.  Maybe later we can talk about all the marriage songs.  I mean, Bruno Mars, Train, anyone?

Super Bowling

I've decided that next Super Bowl, we will start a tradition to go Super Bowling.  IF you don't know what that is, refer to the handy guide below:

Those are the Packers and Steeler's symbols, in case you didn't know.  No worries, I didn't either before I Googled them.
I was going to make some witty, scathing remarks about how stupid it is that the Green Bay Packer's logo is a G, their city, instead of a P, their team.  Then I remembered that the Boston Red Sox logo is some weird spiky B, so being a proud Massachusettian I will wisely keep my mouth shut.

I could go on and on about the commercials.  No one even watches the game, they just watch the commercials.  I could tell you all about them, but we all already know the baby Vader Volkwagon was the best, Sketchers was inappropriate, yadda yadda.  Let's have a more interesting conversation.

As a side note, I say conversation in an ironic sense to quote my history teacher.  He tells us we have such great historical conversations in class when he often does all the talking.  Therefore, this is a conversation because I am talking to you.  It would be nice, though, if you could comment to have an actual conversation.  Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.

Now, back to the Super Bowl (no pun intended).  Its basically a socially acceptable version of a struggle for male dominance.  See the figure below:

What I most don't get about it is why the wear tights.  Same with baseball.  It's just wrong.

And just to throw a bit of controversy in here:
For those who enjoy quoting the Bible to say that homosexuality is evil, I hope you don't like football.  Because, of course, according to Leviticus 11:6-8, touching the skin of a dead pig makes you unclean.  Chew on that for a bit, huh?

Holiday Cheers

I'll try not to mention the C-word in this post. Being politically correct is important, of course, so it would be very bad to refer to this time of year as anything but "holiday season". I will call the holiday coming up six days before the end of this month as "That-Holiday-Starting-With-A-'C'-That-I-Can't-Say-Because-That-Would-Be-Mixing-Religion-Into-Other-Things-And-I-Don't-Want-To-Offend-Anyone", or just The-Holiday-Which-Must-Not-Be-Named for short.

I celebrate You-Know-What. My mom got into our tree the day after Thanksgiving, for [insert-deity-of-your-choice]'s sake! We went out and hacked the feet off of a large evergreen shrubbery and tied it to the top of a large contraption that moves on it own thanks to multiple small explosions occurring right near you every second.

You know it's this time of year when two days after Thanksgiving there are large ornaments the size of basketballs hanging from the ceiling in the kitchen and any anti-holiday sentiment warrants an accusation of being called a "grinch", "scrooge", "grinch-scrooge", "weirdo", or "platypus".

I need to go shopping to get presents for all my relatives, friends, family, and pets. I only have one pet. My pet rock, Westley.

On a different note, I always find this a funny time of year. Jewish kids get presents on Hanukkah (forgive me if I butchered the spelling there) because their parents don't want them to feel left out because Christian kids get You-Know-What presents. But Christmas is supposed to be Jesus's birthday. Even though Jesus was technically born in March, back in the day they changed it to December, to make it easier to convert people. They already celebrated the winter solstice at that time, so it's easier to change the course of a holiday than make a new one.

Speaking of changing the course of a holiday, it has been. This is no longer about religion, it's about presents and Santa. I read a story about a kid in church who was asked whose birthday was on Dec. 25. The kid replied, "Santa Claus".

What is our world coming to?

Forms of Government Explained Using Cows

You know this blog is technically a place to search for, and gain, awesomeness? Hence the title. Well, this little bugger down below will increase your awesomeness levels by at least 20%. Of course, I didn't write this. That would require me to be smarter and funnier and awesomer than I am. I stole it from this here website, just in case you're a lawyer here to sue me for plagiarism.
Note: The pictures are my own handiwork, however. Kudos to you if you can guess which form of government each picture correlates to. Good luck!
If not, read on! Keep a pillow handy in case you pass out from the awesomeness of it.


FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.


FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

APPLIED COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

MILITARISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate".

BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheeps' brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly-listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the right to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because of bad fung shui.

TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are "associated with" (the concept of 'ownership' is a symbol of the phallocentric, warmongering, intolerant past) two differently aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.