The World Explained in Charts (PART II)

I do like charts.  They are a logical, mathematical, way to make sense of this crazy world we call home.  Doesn't life seem so much simpler now that you can assign everything a value and stick it in a chart?

The World Explained in Charts

No, I swear I did not steal these off some site.  I do have a little bit of wit and awesomeness inside of me, and these beautiful graphs are a result of that.
Surprises you, huh?  I can be cool once in a while, ya know?  So enjoy the fruits of my labor.  If I get any more ideas I might make a second post, if anyone expresses any interest in these graphs that took me make grueling hours to complete for your benefit, I might consider making more.  Maybe.

 YAY!  Charts are fun!

What do I expect? It's a Monday

Note: I wrote this yesterday and forgot to post it.  Just pretend today is Monday.  Or whatever.

"I hate Mondays."

--Garfield

I think the words of a fat orange cat pretty much sum up my day in three words.  My day, in no particular order of time, good or bad, or anything.*

• My bus smelled like bacon.
• At our lunch table, my friends and I compared compasses (we're not that nerdy, I swear!)
• In history, we decided it would be a good plan to go around the room and share intensely sad personal stories.
• In English, we added "No undressing each other" to our list of class rules (we have 52 so far).
• I was told by an online career quiz that I would make a good trash collector.
• There are no index cards in my entire house.

In the words of the same wise cat quoted above:

"Look on the bright side, at least Monday only happens once a week."

*You should know that.  Clearly, Wikipedia states "guidelines advocate using a bulleted list only where the list items are unordered."  We all know Wikipedia is always right.

I'm Not Even Going To Try

I could try to be all cool and sneaky and get out some lie about such and such but it's not going to work.  You know it's April Fools Day.  We all do.  I won't get anything past you.  I'm not even going to try.

It snowed this morning.  We all thought it was some huge prank pulled by the weathermen, but it wasn't.  but school wasn't even canceled.  Bummer.

So yeah.  This is a boring post.  Go somewhere else for funny pranks.  Yes, you can leave now.
But wait!  Look what I found in my paper this morning!

A Few Crazy Conversation Snippets

#1

[In the car.  Katy Perry's "Firework" comes on the radio]

Katy Perry: "Do you ever feel like a plastic bag, drifting through the wind, wanting to start again?"

Mom: What a weird analogy.  No, I can't say I've ever felt like a plastic bag.

[An hour later, at Stop&Shop]

Cashier: Would you like paper or plastic bag?

Mom: Plastic please.

Me: You mean, you feel like a plastic bag today?

#2

[At checkout at Target]

Sister: I wish I had a pet polar bear.

Me: That was random.

Sister: But I do, ya know? ...hey! You could get me a pet polar bear when you go to Alaska this summer!

Me: There are no polar bears left in Alaska.  Sarah Palin shot them all.

Cashier: Right you are.

#3

This one is best described in prose.  So I was walking down the hall at school when I go by this couple locking a fierce game of tonsil hockey.  Whatever.  A few seconds later, I hear a voice behind me.  I turn to see this tiny freshman girl ranting at the couple.  I hear a snippets like, "OMG thats so disgusting, why are you doing that in the hall?" and "I mean, seriously, it gross, and no one wants to see it, okay?".  It's all I can do not to burst out laughing right there.  Way to go freshman girl for saying whats on your mind.  It made my day.

Sharing is Caring

...which is why I am sharing this absolutely beautiful screenshot with you all today.  Except I edited it out to hide my name (because I'm logged in to Gmail) and all my weird bookmarks.
This is why Google hates us.

Excellent "Missing" Signs

Disclaimer: I didn't take these photos.  I wish, though! :D
Source: Bizarre Signs

I do enjoy stating the obvious.  High-five to this person.

Yes, I can be obsessed about ninjas sometimes.  Don't judge.

I wish I had a pet cloud named Mr. Wisples...

What's with all the self esteem songs?

I"m a huge fan of self-esteem.  Don't get me wrong.  I'm not annoyed by aforementioned self-esteem songs.  Just curious.  What started this self-esteem craze in the music industry?

Most of you are probably slamming your heads on the screen in frustration, wondering what the hell I'm talking about.  So, recently I noticed a trend: a ton of songs by popular artists focus on self-esteem and inner beauty.

I think it all started with good ol' Bruno Mars.  Just The Way You Are is a great song about a guy who loves his girlfriend no matter what she looks like.  The kind of thing we all want to hear, right?  It makes you feel nice and warm and fuzzy inside.

"When I see your face

There's not a thing that I would change

Cause you're amazing

Just the way you are"

Next up, comes Katy Perry with Firework, a fabulous song comparing feeling lonely to feeling like a plastic bag.  Yep.  That's Katy Perry for ya.  But it's the thought that counts, right?

"You don't have to feel like a waste of space

You're original, cannot be replaced

If you only knew what the future holds

After a hurricane comes a rainbow"

Right up next is P!nk, or P-exclamation point-nk, as I refer to her, with Perfect (clean version).  It's typical Pink music, but the lyrics are, well, self-esteemy.

"Pretty, pretty please

If you ever, ever feel

Like you’re nothing

You are perfect to me"

And finally, Lady Gaga gets in on the happy-song bandwagon with Born This Way, and I really do love that song.  I'm usually meh about Lady Gaga, her songs are decent and catchy but I don't love them, but I do like Born This Way a lot.  Don't know why.  Just because.
It's not only self-esteemy but also tolerance-promoting.  She sticks in some lines about racial and gay tolerance, which I think is great.  Maybe hearing it from her will help spread tolerance.
Though I do want to point out how much Lady Gaga sounds like Madonna.  When I first heard this song on the radio, I totally thought it was Madonna.  Strange.

"I'm beautiful in my way,

'Cause God makes no mistakes

I'm on the right track, baby

I was born this way

Don't hide yourself in regret,

Just love yourself and you're set

I'm on the right track, baby

I was born this way"

I was debating whether to throw Sara Bareilles' "King of Anything" in, but I;m not sure if it quite fits the pattern.  Maybe...

And that ends all the popular songs I can think of that are following the self-esteem route.  Let me know if I missed any.  Maybe later we can talk about all the marriage songs.  I mean, Bruno Mars, Train, anyone?

Just Killed Multitudes of Brain Cells

I don't know what got into my - some strange urge driving me to watch the song that everyone has been bashing.  Yes, you know the one: Friday, by Rebecca Black.

Everyone else on the Interweb has already stabbed this song to pieces with blunt coat hangers, then charred the remnants on a gas grill and left it out for the raccoons, so there's not much I can say about this song's atrocity that you haven't already heard.  Did she really think I wasn't sure that Thursday came before Friday, or Sunday came after Saturday?  Why is it so hard to choose a seat in the car?  Why is there a car anyway, if they're in like middle school?  But I won't go on, though I could for hours.  This song is just wrong.  It shouldn't even exist, it's so terrifyingly horrible.

This is the kind of thing that makes me fear for the fate of humanity.

I'm not Irish, but you can kiss me anyway

Seriously.

But yes, today is the excellent day devoted to St. Patty.  He is Irish.  And a saint.  And likes the color green.  And that's about all I know.

Actually, I don't know much about the Irish in general either....I will list all the facts I know about the Irish.  Here:

• They like the color green
• They are short and have red beards, and give away gold at the ends of rainbows
• They once had a notable lack of potatoes
• They like beer
• They dislike the Brits
• They have a Boston basketball team named after them

Any Irish readers out there, I wouldn't mind a couple Irish facts to add to my collection!
Today is the day to honor the Irish.  We all wear green.  We might do other things too, but I don't know what they are.  I'm not Irish, remember?  I just used toady as an excuse to wear my fantastic bright neon green tank top.  And some green bead necklaces that I borrowed from my friend.
Other than that, I can't recall anything that made today very Irish-y.  What a ripoff.

P.S.  To see an amazing, beautiful Venn Diagram depicting my feelings on this holiday click this link right here.
P.P.S.  On a very random note, I wonder who Mr. Venn is, the one who invented Venn Diagrams.  I'd like to meet him sometime, he seems like an interesting guy.

Has made dinosuar cookies

So my sister and I made some dinosaur cookies the other day.  We found these dinosaur-shaped cookie cutters in the back of the closet - I couldn't resist!  These go way high up there on my list of dinosaur things I love.  I LOVE the Kraft dinosaur-shaped mac n cheese, but those have to be eaten by the spoonful.  Dinosaur cookies, on the other hand, can be made to fight each other while slowly being devoured limb by limb.  This is best when you follow my example and add sound effects as well.  It is extremely rewarded to be growling and munching cookies while having they attack each other.  I highly recommend the experience.

It got me thinking about dinosaurs.  I mean, why are there no more left?  Clearly, natural selection is cruel, because dinosaurs are far cooler than chipmunks or snakes or whatever we currently have.  If you think about it, natural selection is pretty smart.  It gave us platypi and bananas and turtles.  Clearly, it has good judgment, and would have left the dinosaurs for us.  Which leaves the idea that...

Pickles Will Kill You

The truth has been revealed about the murderous nature of pickles.
Not by me.  I didn't write this.  I "borrowed" it from this website.

Every pickle you eat brings you closer to death.  Amazingly, the "thinking man" has failed to grasp the terrifying significance of the term, "in a pickle." Pickles are associated with all the major diseases of the body. Eating them breeds wars and communism.  They can be related to most airline tragedies.  Auto accidents are caused by pickles.  There exists a positive relationship between crime waves and consumption of this fruit of the curcurbit family.  For example:

• Nearly all sick people have eaten pickles.  The effects are obviously cumulative. 
• 99.9% of all people who die from cancer have eaten pickles.
• 100% of all soldiers have eaten pickles. 
• 96.8% of all communist sympathizers have eaten pickles. 
• 99.7% of the people involved in air and auto accidents ate pickles within 14 days preceding the accident. 
• 93.1% of juvenile deliquents come from homes where pickles are served. 

Evidence points to long term effects of eating pickles:

• Of the people born in 1839 who later dined on pickles, there has been a mortality rate of 100%.
• All pickle eaters born between 1908 and 1918 have wrinkled skin, have lost most of their teeth, have brittle bones, and failing eyesight--if the ills of eating pickles have not already caused their death. 

Even more convincing is the report of a noted team of medical specialists:
Rats force-fed with 20 pounds of pickles per day for 30 days developed bulging abdomens.  Their appetites for wholesome food were destroyed.

In spite of all the evidence, pickles growers and packers continue to spread their evil.  More than 120,000 acres of fertile US soil are devoted to growing pickles.  Our per capita consumption is 4 pounds.

Eat orchid petal soup.  Practically no one has as many problems from eating orchid petal soup as they do from eating pickles.

Yes, I'm a Girl Scout. Don't Stereotype me!

So I spent the weekend on a Girl Scout ski trip in Vermont.  You know, that state above Massachusetts that looks like a trapezoid?  That's the one.  I hear they are famous for maple syrup.  Maybe something else too, but I forget.

Did you even read those sentences about me bashing Vermont?  Probably not, because you're still thinking, ZOMG, she's a GIRL SCOUT?? Like, those second graders that sell cookies door-to-door?  Wow, fail.

Well, you're wrong.  So ha.  I'm a Girl Scout, and we are awesome.  For example, view a sampling of our weekend activities:

Dance Party: Yep.  We blasted "Cha Cha Slide" and "Cotton Eye Joe" and got the entire house totally into it.  Fantastic.

Skiing: This was, ya know, the whole point of our weekend ski trip.  Some of the highlights were when my fellow Girl Scouts and I would ski down the slope with our poles straight up screaming/singing "I throw my hands up in the air sometimes..." - and got people to join in.
Not to mention that it was Mardi Gras weekend, and they were giving out those little colorful bead necklaces.  So we did what everyone was doing, and what any awesome teenager would do - tossed them in the trees on the way up the chairlift.


Ping-Dodge: This is like ping-pong, except slightly more vicious.  And when I say slightly, I mean very.  Basically, we all just chuck ping-pong balls at each other.  It only got dangerous when someone got the bright idea to throw the paddles as well.  We drew the line at pool balls, however.

Capture the Flag:  Your basic game except it was pitch back out, with no flashlights.  It was all well and good until a large wooden post fell on my sister.  You don't really want to know.

Food: We left a bag of M&Ms in the kitchen, and whenever we walked through we would grab a handful.

Don't you dare say that Girl Scouts are stupid.  Clearly, we had a more epic weekend then you did.  Deal with it, or I might "forget" to deliver your cookies.

February Break has come to a close

February break is over and done with.  Blech.  I need more sleep.
Okay, you guys deserve a coherent post, even if I am very sleep-deprived.  I think it has something to do with being on a midnight to 10 sleep schedule and suddenly being forced to wake up at 6.
In addition, I would like to apologize for not posting over break.  You people deserve better.  Yes, I know, I had sooo much free time, I could have given you lots of the humorous awesomeness that you love (I hope).

But I didn't.

Why?  No idea.  But as an excuse, I will tell you that I was far too busy doing things to post.  This is an overview of my week, to prove I had absolutely no free time:

Saturday: Worked all day (I work at the library).
Sunday: Church.  Outline a chapter for APUSH (learn about the agricultural revolution of the late 1800s)
Monday: Outline another chapter (United States imperialism) and play Wii.
Tuesday: Dentist appointment.  Eye doctor appointment.  Outline another chapter (Progressivism)
Wednesday: Outline another chapter (President Wilson, start of WW1).  Play more Wii.  Brother comes home from college.
Thursday: Spend the day in Boston.  Hang out at Quincy Market, North End, all that fun stuff
Friday: Spend the day at my friend's house.  Meet her adorable puppy.  Film our video for French.  Lip-sync to Celine Dion.
Saturday: Take pictures for photography class.  Hang out.  Relax.
Sunday: Church.  Circus.  AUGH, end of vacation!!!

See?  I had absolutely no free time in which to grant you a post.  This is why this one is here.

The most interesting thing (besides Boston and friend's house) was my brother coming home from college.  He gave me some presents :)


The presents from my brother
1. All 52 episode of Magic School Bus, on DVD
2. An addiction to Minecraft
3. An introduction to Portal
4. Helpful hints while playing Portal
5. A bruise on my big toe
6. Course selection recommendations

Happy Singles Awareness Day

Ha.  I guess I forgot to put up any sort of Valentine's Day post.  Meh.  Hope you had fun playing footsie or kissy or lovey-dovey or whatever you sickenly sweet couples do on holidays made just for you.

Bah humbug.

Here's a math valentine.  It's called Sierpinski.  I think that is some guy's name.  It's, like, infinite hearts.  Seriously.  Zoom in on the thing if you don't believe me.
Probably symbolism to infinite love, yadda yadda.
Can you tell I'm bitter?
Let's just get this over with.  Here ya go.  Now don't bother me about Valentine's Day.  Maybe someday I'll tell ya why.

I didn't draw this, obviously.  I don't generally sign my pictures with the name of a website, ya know?

 UPDATE:
So I found another picture that I had drawn for my Valentine's Day post while trying to clean up my desktop.  Hope you like it.  Hope I don't have any Irish people at my house with swords tonight because I made fun of St. Patrick's day.  I'm sorry, people, I'm not Irish.  I am, however, American, and I still think Columbus Day is stupid.  Poor guy, he probably thought he was all that.

Super Bowling

I've decided that next Super Bowl, we will start a tradition to go Super Bowling.  IF you don't know what that is, refer to the handy guide below:

Those are the Packers and Steeler's symbols, in case you didn't know.  No worries, I didn't either before I Googled them.
I was going to make some witty, scathing remarks about how stupid it is that the Green Bay Packer's logo is a G, their city, instead of a P, their team.  Then I remembered that the Boston Red Sox logo is some weird spiky B, so being a proud Massachusettian I will wisely keep my mouth shut.

I could go on and on about the commercials.  No one even watches the game, they just watch the commercials.  I could tell you all about them, but we all already know the baby Vader Volkwagon was the best, Sketchers was inappropriate, yadda yadda.  Let's have a more interesting conversation.

As a side note, I say conversation in an ironic sense to quote my history teacher.  He tells us we have such great historical conversations in class when he often does all the talking.  Therefore, this is a conversation because I am talking to you.  It would be nice, though, if you could comment to have an actual conversation.  Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.

Now, back to the Super Bowl (no pun intended).  Its basically a socially acceptable version of a struggle for male dominance.  See the figure below:

What I most don't get about it is why the wear tights.  Same with baseball.  It's just wrong.

And just to throw a bit of controversy in here:
For those who enjoy quoting the Bible to say that homosexuality is evil, I hope you don't like football.  Because, of course, according to Leviticus 11:6-8, touching the skin of a dead pig makes you unclean.  Chew on that for a bit, huh?

What I Do During Chemistry

Just a little doodle for you to feast your eyes upon:

Red Button Of Death

It is...
*drumroll*
a Magical Big Red Button
Whatever you do, don't click it.
I assure you, the results will be dire.
You might even blow up the world.

 This is what happened to me. Are you sure you still want to click that button?
Beware, reader. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

Groundhog Day

Ever seen that movie? It's pretty good. I like the part where he falls in a large puddle.
But Groundhog Day is more than just a movie. It's a significant part of our culture. Where would we be without worshiping a large Pennsylvanian rodent? Probably right where we are right now. Except that Punxsutawney, PN would be minus world-wide fame.

But this year it doesn't matter anyway. Because if you read my last post, you would know that Punxsutawney Phil is dead. The ground froze over his underground hideout. I'm sorry. I bet that rodent had a special place in your heart.

But if he's dead, then it means he didn't see his shadow. So spring is coming. I'm waiting.

*waits*

It's still not here yet. It's still sleeting and being completely winter-ish outside. What a ripoff.

I think the only good part about this snow day is the dinosaur mac n cheese that I had for lunch.

"See, no shadow! Maybe spring is finally coming!"

"Severe Storm Warning"

Severe storm warnings have become my life this lovely winter. Honestly, the weatherman could just put an audio clip for "severe storm warning" on repeat, kick back and relax until April, and no one would ever know.

Personally, I think I would make a great weatherperson. Example broadcasts:
"Good morning, New England! We're having another severe storm warning today. This one, I promise, will be extra severe. No more sissy blizzards! We're in the big leagues now!"
"This storm is headed right for us. For those listeners in New England, you're smack in the middle of the No-way-you'll-survive-this zone.I suggest hibernating until spring comes. Stock up on mac n cheese."
"The groundhog died today when its underground burrow froze from excessive snow. It looks like this will mean six more years of winter."
"We've just received news that Boston has frozen over. Yes, that's right, I'm afraid the Patriots will not be present on Super Bowl Sunday. I think they're busy eating snowcones."

Us New Englanders are famous for being half-Eskimo in our abilities to survive these winters that make us wonder why the hell we even live in this frigid corner of the USA. We are proud of it. All the neighbors bow down to He Who Has Six Snowblowers. We brag about our shovel quality. We compare road salt brands.

But this is ridiculous. I read that we've gotten over six feet of total accumulation since Chritsmas. For those of you in warmer climates, "accumulation" means "a whole freakin' lot of snow is coming your way".

This is me at Christmas:

This is me in early January:

This is me in mid-January:

This is me right now:

And this is what I will look like by the end of this winter:

I wonder what we'll all do when the snow gets past our windows and doors and we're stuck in our houses for a few weeks. Luckily I have an emergency chocolate stash under my bed, just in case need be.

Global warming?? What global warming????

UPDATE:
At least this here church is helping us fight against the wrath of the snow: